Looking in the Mirror

week 13

I married into a family with only one son (my husband) and three daughters. It was intimidating. Not only was I navigating a new marriage relationship, I was also clumsily trying to find my place within a tight group of women that have spent the majority of their lives in already. It often felt like there was no room for me. I was never fully embraced, nor fully shunned. I was ‘meh’.

Or at least that is how it felt.

For about 15 years.

It’s been a rough go…but I’ve learned a few things.

First, I had to look in the mirror. Unknowingly, I carried the expectation that I would seamlessly be integrated into this family with all the heavy lifting done by my mother and sisters-in-law. But when that wasn’t my experience, I felt hurt and distanced myself even more.

Second, watch out for toxic thoughts. Functioning out of a place of pain, I felt it easier to vilify those that I perceived as the culprits. It was not pretty. In Harper & Olsen’s book, "Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families." They give this advice by Diane Forbis, “The potential for disrupting the family orchestration by talking about the unseemly behavior of a sister-in-law or the offensive language of a brother will never be worth any temporary satisfaction from voicing such indignation.”  I was stuck within this cycle of disappointment and distancing and I was feeding the cycle with that fleeting satisfaction of backbiting.

Not too long ago, my relationship in my husband’s family came to a climax and I was in so much distress. My feelings were so toxic and overwhelming that it was affecting every aspect of my life. My husband gave me priesthood blessing. There were many tender and needed words spoken in that blessing, but I was impacted the most by the admonition to be patient, long-suffering and active in learning to love my extended family members. I could no longer sit around waiting (I should never have started) and I needed to make some changes.

Third, I took action. It started by small, but significant action on my part. I wrote each of them a card expressing my gratitude for them and what I admired in each of them. I have also tried to be better about fostering a relationship through communication – I see one sister and mother-in-law in person often and make a point to engage in conversation and express interest in their lives, another I video chat with as often as possible, and the other I am working on texting more.

This has been hard, and the fruits of my labors are not equal with all the sisters. At times I still feel discouraged. But it comes down to this…

I want a relationship with each of them. I want to love them well.

So, I will keep working on myself and keep working at my relationships with them.