Are we selling Marriage short?

(week 2)

Has anyone noticed that modern society seems to be more committed to our favorite drink spot, than we are to marriage? There is fierce loyalty to the preferred soda or coffee shop. We overlook small mistakes and flaws, because we are dedicated. And it's only a drink.

But what about marriage? Is it passé? It's doesn't come in fancy packaging or gives us the immediate rush of gratification like a fizzy drink. I've been wondering if we are going big with our cups and living small with our lives.

Marriage is an age-old custom, but when did it become so old-fashioned? It's no surprise that in the United States (and around the world) marriage seems to be losing favor. We can see it in our personal circles. According to "The State of Our Unions: Marriage in America 2012," the percent of individuals entering marriages is down 50 percent. Divorce rates are around 50% (higher for subsequent marriages) and cohabitation has "drastically increased." So the trends we see in our family and friend circles are that less people are actually marrying and half of the people that do get married are divorcing. The natural conclusion is that the institution of marriage is losing ground. Popular culture may tout this as "enlightened" or the natural progression of our society. But there is little discussion over how these trends are affecting us - not just personally but as a whole community.

It's difficult to want to acknowledge that marriage isn't just a personal choice, but a choice that affects others in your future family and your community. It's not just about ordering your drink to enjoy. "Marriage is not merely a private arrangement; it is also a complex social institution." (The State of Our Unions: Marriage in America 2012) So let's break down the complexity for a moment and ask ourselves what that even means. According to studies, the demographic most affected by this retreat from marriage are those that have a high school diploma but not a college degree. The middle class group of people, in decades past, created partnerships through marriage that not only were personally fulfilling, but economically stabilizing. It created a support for each spouse. But as less and less are marrying, opting for single-hood or cohabitation it is undercutting that stability and creating a financially fragile demographic. So the loss of marriages is mirroring the loss of middle class. It is leaving the children born to single-mothers and cohabiting couples at economic disadvantage.

There is also research indicating that there is a myriad of negative effects on children who do not have two continuously married parents. These effects can include: poor school performance, behavioral problems, poor self image, and poor mental health. This is just a snap shot of the results of current marriage trends. They don't seem very encouraging.

We would all like to have a better outlook for our community and nation as a whole. Marriage is a large contributing factor, but it's not being discussed.

Most teenagers see themselves getting married but few see themselves staying married, or find cohabiting an accepted alternative. Bridging the gap between what we want for our own lives and what we want right now is difficult. What I've found it helpful, in my personal life, is to brave marriage discussions. Finding people that are open and asking questions has helped me identify more of what I want (and the behavior that brings it about). Having vulnerable conversations (even with yourself) about what your impressions of marriage were as child and what you want as an adult has opened my eyes.  

We love to talk about our favorite drinks. The discussion of different flavors and places gives us a chance to explore what we like. So let's change up the conversation and talk about something a little weightier. Let's start talking about marriage more. Let's talk about ways to shore up our own marriages, support others and speak well of the struggle to create happiness and stability. Let's create spaces to discuss gently the hard parts and encourage healing. Marriage is relevant to the happiness and stability of the individual, the family, and to communities large and small.

If we can find loyalty to our favorite beverage and defend it, can we find loyalty towards marriage?