Belonging
(week 4)
We, as human beings, are created for connection. We are
hard-wired for relationships. In fact, we spend our entire lives moving through
relationships – creating connection, discovering ourselves, learning,
mentoring. It provides the spark behind our intentions.
Arguably, one of the most defining relationships we can have
in this life is that of partners in marriage. I’ve found it interesting that
while most high school students look forward to marriage and set it high on the
list of life goals, our country is overwhelmed with escalating divorce rates. There
seems to be a gap between what we want for ourselves, and what we actually create
for ourselves.
While I think the decline in marriage success is a complex
issue, I have been drawn back time and again to the idea how individuality can
be hurting marriage. The natural tension between transitioning from a single
person to a married couple challenges the individual to shift focus. It is
moving from the singular to the plural.
I have been married for 16 years, and I still find myself
refining my perspective. Find the balance between “me” and “we” has never been
seamless. And I find myself often contemplating a phrase that Dr. Jennifer
Finlayson-Fife uses, “We want to belong to ourselves and we want to belong to
others.” This dynamic sums up marriage to me. I want to honor who I am as a
person while finding a place for myself with my spouse. It’s hard work.
Let me get personal and vulnerable by sharing an example of
belonging in my early marriage. My husband and I had only been married just
over 2 years when we became pregnant with our first child. It was and exciting
time. I was experiencing growth as an individual (not just in belly width) as I
was delving into the pregnancy, but we were experiencing growth as a couple as
we were preparing to become a family of three. Tragically, our daughter was
still born at 36 weeks. There was no discernible reason for her passing, and it
was utterly shocking. I remember sitting in the doctor’s office while the nurse
was frantically looking for a heartbeat. Then the doctor pulled in a portable
ultrasound and confirmed our worst nightmare.
While the world was crashing around me, I instinctively
reached for my husband’s hand. Then we held each other and wept. In the
arguable worst moment of my life, I wasn’t enduring it alone. I had a safe
haven within my husband. In the hours that followed, I had to deliver my baby
and while I physically had to do that individually, we were facing it together.
Losing a child is isolating, traumatizing, and it changes you forever. To be
honest, there were many times that I hurt so much that I didn’t know how I
would move on. The grief was suffocating, and it often brought out the worst in
me as I focused on what was happening to me personally and individually. However,
when I leaned into the partnership I had with my husband, I found a place to
belong. We had a shared experience and no one else could understand better what
we were dealing with than each other. I periodically look back and realize the conflict
between my individualistic attitude and the needs of my marriage. I am so
grateful that I had that safe haven, that sense of belonging with my husband.
Individualism is fueling the perspective that if marriage
isn’t serving your self-interest, that it is appropriate to sever ties. But it
doesn’t consider the effort and teamwork that goes into creating a beautiful
life with another person. This trend has been discussed by historian and
sociologist Andrew Cherlin, “When people evaluated how satisfied they were with
their marriages, they began to think more in terms of the development of their
own sense of self and the expression of their feelings, as opposed to the
satisfaction they gained through building a family and playing the roles of
spouse and parent. The result was a transition from the companionate marriage
to what we might call the individualized marriage.” (Link provided
at bottom of page to article.)
This transition in our marriage culture to focusing on the
individual and the interests of self is wreaking havoc on families. Our deepest
God-given instinct is to run to the arms of those who need us and sustain us. Bruce C. Hafen has said, “Our deepest
God-given instinct is to run to the arms of those who need us and sustain us.” We
all desperately want a place to belong, a place that feels safe and loving, a
place where we can be our authentic selves. Marriage and family are where that
space can be created. Let’s shift our focus. Instead of running away, let’s
lean into our relationships, create beauty, find joy. This is a way to bridge
the gap between our high school aspirations and the reality of marriage. We can
shift the tide of waning belonging.
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