Fighting the Dementors in marriage...

(WEEK 6)

Ever have one of those days when you feel like a little dark cloud is following you around? Nothing goes right, you struggle to keep two hands firmly holding on to happiness, you feel utterly unlovable and everything feels exhausting? (Yes, you do, because you’re human. That’s why I like you.) Well, I’m currently on day three (feels like 3,000) of this funk. I caught myself looking outside for any sign of Dementors…and then I am painfully reminded that I’m just a Muggle.

So, I focused on my daily devotions: prayer and scripture study. They always help me feel centered and capable. But for some reason, I wasn’t getting that uplifting feeling. Now, I have firm belief in scripture study and prayer – but I also know that sometimes the dementors of life are strong and life can feel discouraging despite doing all the right things.

Now, what does this have to do with marriage? Stay with me, I’m getting there. This week, I read about nurturing fondness and admiration within marriage. Dr. John Gottman says, “Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance.” It is also the opposite of contempt (which is one of the 4 horsemen.) Part of developing these in your relationship is to intentionally think/remember the things you love and admire about your partner. Did I mention that I’m having a rough week? It’s really hard to even “want” to think nice things about my husband (or anyone else, myself included) right now. And even when I admitted that to myself, it fed into my negative self-talk.

As I went about my day feeling terrible, musing over the emotional rut I was in and the advice of Gottman – I decided I had nothing to lose if I tried thinking some nice things about my husband. If I’m being completely vulnerable, I blanked…. there was nothing. I couldn’t think of anything! I waited and waited until my brain overrode the negative barricade. And then thoughts began entering my mind:

His eyes…. they’re gorgeous and I remember looking into them for the first time. His eyes took my breath away.

I love they way my hand fits inside his when we hold hands.

His genuine laugh…and when something is really funny, he almost giggles.

And then it progressed through many other beautiful and simple memories. But it ended with this crescendo.…

The gentle way he helped me into a hospital shower after I delivered our stillborn daughter and washed me while I stood there in shock, disbelief and intense grief.

And I caught myself saying aloud, “My husband loves me.”

It was just like I had shouted, “EXPECTO PATRONUM!” I felt an emotional shield from the endless feelings of negativity, and I was overcome with the love my sweet husband has for me and energized by the love I have for him.

I hadn’t planned on setting up this little social experiment (especially when I’m the test subject), but I don’t think I could have learned this lesson in a more poignant way. Nurturing fondness and admiration are such powerful tools.

https://tarkashblog.wordpress.com/2018/02/20/expecto-patronum/