What do you do when you hit a roadblock?

(week 7)

I like to imagine that my marriage relationship is like a car. I have my husband with me, and our life together is one massive road trip. Most of the time it’s been a fun trip. But occasionally, something pops up that is jarring – like a roadblock.

The other day, we had such an experience: I had been busy all. Day. Long. I don’t think I had 5 minutes alone to myself to do relax, unless you counted consecutive bathroom breaks. It was just one of those days. Super busy and I was being a boss, getting stuff done. It was 8pm, kids were in bed, I had just come home from picking up a grocery order and my husband was helping me put everything away.

I still had homework waiting for me, but all I really wanted to do was hang out with my best friend and husband. So, I asked if he wanted to snuggle on the couch, have a snack and watch tv with me. He agreed but had to run upstairs to get me a form I needed for the next day. Up the stairs he went. And I waited, and waited, and waited. After 15-20 minutes, I went upstairs to see what happened. I found my husband sitting at the computer.

It was like our “marriage car” had been cruising on a favorite backroad and suddenly it screeched to a stop – ROADBLOCK.

I was peeved. I was irritated. I was…. under all the adjectives, I was really just hurt. I felt brushed off for a stupid computer. I stumbled over my words as I tried to express my frustration, but my husband didn’t seem to realize how long he had been distracted and assured me that he was just about finished.

Because I felt my blood pressure rising, I just cancelled our snuggle date and spent the rest of the night doing homework (for this class, the irony is not lost on me.) I kept stewing over the exchange and how hurt I felt. Something in John Gottman’s book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” really stood out to me, “Couples often ignore each other’s emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice.”

My bid for attention from my husband was missed because he was distracted. I wanted to give it meaning – an inaccurate meaning – but, after slowing down I realized that he didn’t do this out of malice. In fact, there have been times what I, myself, have found myself missing bids of attention from my husband because I was too connected to an electronic device.

I’m starting to think that the same rules that we are now realizing are important for driving can be applied to relationships as well:

Do not text and drive.

We cannot maintain a focused view of each other and our relationship if we find ourselves pulled away from the present by devices. John Gottman also says, “This culture of distraction doesn’t benefit intimate relationships, which require the opposite: the habit of being aware and paying attention.” Distraction is a roadblock, a very real one that put a sour taste in my mouth the other day. But it also afforded me the opportunity to evaluate with my husband how we can focus more on us and our “driving skills.” Because without a doubt, he’s my road trip buddy, my “ride or die.”