What I wish I knew…

week 11

 I wish I knew how good intimacy could be when I was a teenager. I’m not talking about “movie good” – where it’s a flash of heat and color. The sexual intimacy in the movies reminds me of when I would burn metal chemicals in chemistry class over a burner. It would be a flash of heat and a burst of intense color. Then there would be nothing…gone.

I wish I had a group of supportive, trusted, and safe adults (parents and leaders) who would have been able to speak up more frankly about how wonderful intimacy is with your spouse. I grew up with very little knowledge except from the chemistry lessons learned from TV. All I received from adults around me was the vague and shrouded answers about chastity.

Marriage changed so much for me. I’m not sure I can give it justice here on paper. Transcendent is the best I can do. After sixteen years of marriage and intimacy, I have learned the difference between the true intimacy of marriage and the lustful passion of the movies. If a steamy scene on the big screen is like a flash of copper burning green for a few seconds, then sexual intimacy is like the Aurora Borealis. It’s ribbons and waves of color, dancing, ebbing and flowing – but constant.

The union of husband and wife is wonderfully described by Jeffrey R. Holland in this talk (Links to an external site.): “[M]ay I suggest that human intimacy, that sacred, physical union ordained of God for a married couple, deals with a symbol that demands special sanctity. Such an act of love between a man and a woman is—or certainly was ordained to be—a symbol of total union: union of their hearts, their hopes, their lives, their love, their family, their future, their everything. It is a symbol that we try to suggest in the temple with a word like seal. The Prophet Joseph Smith once said we perhaps ought to render such a sacred bond as “welding”—that those united in matrimony and eternal families are “welded” together, inseparable if you will, to withstand the temptations of the adversary and the afflictions of mortality. (See D&C 128:18.)

But such a total, virtually unbreakable union, such an unyielding commitment between a man and a woman, can only come with the proximity and permanence afforded in a marriage covenant, with the union of all that they possess—their very hearts and minds, all their days and all their dreams. They work together, they cry together, they enjoy Brahms and Beethoven and breakfast together, they sacrifice and save and live together for all the abundance that such a totally intimate life provides such a couple. And the external symbol of that union, the physical manifestation of what is a far deeper spiritual and metaphysical bonding, is the physical blending that is part of—indeed, a most beautiful and gratifying expression of—that larger, more complete union of eternal purpose and promise.”

I also wish I knew how much work goes into nurturing sexual intimacy. It doesn’t always just magically or intuitively work out. But, there in also lies the misinformation that media feeds us. I had someone very close to me, ask how healthy my intimate relationship was after so many years of marriage. That may seem a strange question, but I thought it deserved a thoughtful answer. You see, I had been married longer than anyone this person has within their close circle of influence (outside of parents). This person has struggled in marriage and then finding a permanent relationship after that marriage fell apart. I replied, “That it’s better than I ever thought would be possible. It’s better than when we were newly married. But it’s taken years of growing together to create what we have.”

President Ezra Taft Benson has said, “What does it mean to love someone with all your heart? It means to love with all your emotional feelings and with all your devotion.” As I have thought over what I wish I had known, this is what I wish someone had told me…Loving someone with your whole heart is HARD. It feels vulnerable and often uncomfortable. Learning to become one is more than just physical – it puts you through the paces intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. Maintaining connection requires focus and effort. But the return on investment is exponential.

I’ve long ago left the teenage years. I’m older and a little wiser too. But know that I have this experience, I’m grateful to have the opportunity to create a different narrative for my own children. I want them to see what a fully integrated love story looks like. I want them to see what is possible. Because when weighing the options who would choose a small flash of light when compared to the Aurora Borealis?

If you've never seen the Aurora Borealis - check out this video!