"Work in Progress" Council

week 12

In full disclosure, our family is not great at councils. I have a 9, 7 and 4-year-old. Within that mix, one is very sensitive with a strong sense of fairness (which generally centers on themselves being treated fairly, with less concern about others), one child is an intense, high-needs child (ADHD) who struggles to sit still, not blurt out random ideas and struggles with impulse control. Then yet another child loves to talk, has no inside voice and has the desire to explain the inner workings of the universe. I’m sure every family has its own mixed nut bag of personality – I’m pretty partial to my own.

We had a family council a few weeks ago in preparation for the Christmas Season. We have a busy schedule and always seem to have more activities to do than time to do them in. The goal was to clarify what was most important and then fill in with less important activities. We went around the group and asked each one the same questions: What is important for you this season? What would you like to do as a family?

I had my own list of traditions that I wanted to maintain, but I was interested in what each family member found important. I grew up in a home where Christmas tradition was very important, and my mother cultivated very special memories for me as a child. I wanted to be respectful to the things that my children felt connected with during this season.

Here’s how the council fared when we started sharing ideas:

Child 1: “I want to dance to Christmas music!”

Child 2: “No way, I want to eat all of mom’s Christmas cookies. You’re going to make cookies, right? Can I help you?”

Child 3: “I think we should go to the park. (Then proceeds to talk about which parks are the best, which ones we haven’t been to lately…then starts planning the order in which we should park hop…in a very loud voice.)

Mom: “I would like to make sure that we try to do the Light the World initiative this year, it will be fun. And I want to do our 25 days of Christ Advent as well.”

Child 1: “Uuuuuuggggh…those sound kind of boring.”

Dad: I would like for us to go see some Christmas lights.”

All Children: “Yes!”

This is just a taste of what happened at our Christmas Family Council.

We ended up making a list and shuffling items up and down the list until we were all satisfied with the priorities. I found it interesting how naturally we counselled together and shared our feelings about what was important to each of us. And even though my priorities were considered “boring” we all decided that it’s okay to mix some boring things in with the exciting things. We shuffled Jesus up the list and naturally the less important items shuffled down or were forgotten.

After reading and excerpt from M. Russell Ballard’s book “Counselling with our Councils”, I realized that in our imperfect way, we were following the same pattern the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles counsel with each other when they work together to make a decision:

“[M]eeting together, with every man having total freedom to express himself, consider every major question…no decision emanates from the deliberations of the [council] without total unanimity. At the outset in considering matters, there may be differences of opinion. These are to be expected. These men come from different backgrounds. They are men who think for themselves. But before a final decision is reached, there comes an unanimity of mind and voice.”

We all have a voice and we all want to be heard and valued. This is best seen when in council. It could be within a married couple, family, church organization, friend group or any other possible combination. The principles are the same: let each member voice their ideas/concerns about a question, listen with an open heart, find ways to come together in harmony, and move forward with love and purpose. It’s not always a simple and speedy exercise (especially in my family councils) but it’s another way to forge connection, create shared meaning, and enhance the love maps you share with those important to you.